yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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