Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just found puke in my bra..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
