Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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