Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
