I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
