Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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