No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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