Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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