there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
