True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
