Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
