I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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