when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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