Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
