so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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