I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize