proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
