plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
