It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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