i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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