i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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