I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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