You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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