Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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