Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
