Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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