how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
