When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
