I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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