p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
