Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
