I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
