yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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