Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
