oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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