i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
