i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
