Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
