I smell stomach acid.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
