i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
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I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
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You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize