Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
