My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize