bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
