i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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