I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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