Where are you?
In a non slutty way
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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