the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
