She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
