I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
