you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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