I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
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I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
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Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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