my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
