The maid of honor just puked.
Someone shit on the floor
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I'm really busy with my period
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