just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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