I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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