just come out here and I will go home with you...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
