I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
