my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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