Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The beer is more important than you right now.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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