Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
