You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
