You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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