I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
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He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
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Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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