So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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