i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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