I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
