his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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